Ive posted that I was quiting poker before. It was only because I knew it was inevitable. I just need something to slam it home. Really tell me my ideas are right. I decided last night or so that poker was not in my future. I have spent  nearly 6 years of my  life loving poker like a girlfriend. Putting my money, heart, mind, soul and time into poker. I am to the point where the game is second nature. Pot odds, hand ranges and fold equity flow through my mind like a stream of consciousness. I can sit at a 2/4 limit table and make it mean more to me than playing heads up with Phill Hellmuth. I can sit at a 5/10 No Limit table with $3k in front of me and have it mean less than playing .05/.10 with my grandma.
  Ive loved and caressed this game in all of its forms. I poured all my emotions and energy into making it something special. Just like everything else in my life I have come up empty. Today I received Kina Grannis new CD called Stairwells in the mail. As I drove to go out to dinner Song #7 came on called Heart and Mind.  The first line of the song is "I write you letters from right to left, see if you have desire yet. To decipher what I say and learn secrets from my head" This is what you do everyday in poker. Write a story in an unusual way in order to win a pot. 
   Another line of the song is "I'm always trying to find a safer place to hide, I always felt I was protecting my heart and mind. It seems like to really feel alive I cannot hide my heart and mind" This is the inherent problem with poker. You cannot be you. If you lay it out there be real you will never accomplish anything in the poker world. I need to find my heart and mind and give them to the world. February 21st, 2010 is the day poker died for me. I never felt so sure as when I had a 50k chip stack in a tournament that had only 110k total chips in play. 4 players left. I called a guy with 18k left when I had AKo. He had 55 and the board ran A2374.  3 hands later I had J10s and called another guy allin with 11k and he had AJo. Flop comes J3379. Then I get the small blind and I have only 21k chips left and get A8hh and go allin. Guy calls with Q2d and flop comes 8725Q. It was at this moment I knew that this is the last time I ever play poker. Ive seen it from every angle. If I cant win with over half the chips in play with only 4 players left then its time to move on to bigger and better challenges because this one has lost its growth potential. 
  I sit here at home with Kina's song on repeat. It echoes in my head. Im through searching for a safer place to hide. Im done protecting my heart and mind. New passion is a brewing. Ive been released from a 6 years of captivity. Goodbye poker goodbye. You were a close friend, a lover in a sense but you were never more than a convenient place to hide. I didnt realize it until tonight but this might be one of the toughest thing I have ever done. Life, music, energy and passion give me the strength to move through this and find a new place to be comfortable. Poker was only a hope to have a big score and release me from a pile of debt. I realize now that even with gambling and losing I have found a way to pay nearly half of that debt off already. I can complete this task without a big score. Ive learned some big lessons through all of this and I dont have regrets. Also Im not ashamed of using contractions with out apostrophes so there
   Today I found the strength inside just by finally realizing theres a truth that is in inside that I cannot hide within my heart and mind. Thank you for reading. Good day my friends good day.

        

Green Valley Ranch is my home poker room. I play there regularly over the course of the last 4 years. Twice now there have been ridiculous situations that have caused me to not go back for a long time. Today takes the cake and I will not be back. Apparently Soft play and cheating is allowed in their morning $40 tournament.
   I was up and down the whole tournament and battled through 30 players. Made it down to the final table with only 7 players left and 5 being paid. The blinds are 800/1600 which are large for everyones stack. The 2 seat and the 7 seat have about 25k each though everyone else is short.  On the hand in question the button is in the 6 seat and it folds around to the small blind. He makes it 3200(min raise). Keep in mind this is an older local guy with 25k in his stack. The big blind also an older local guy then announces allin, putting 5500 chips in the pot.

The original raiser goes "whew...really?"  Thinks for about 30 seconds.

The Big blind says "I got you beat, Ill show you"

Original raiser says "Okay" and mucks his hand.

To many this might seem like just standard raise and fold. I immediately said "You gotta be kidding me, you cant soft play like that"  The dealer glared at me and I was like "WTF". You cant do the math here look at this. A guy puts in 3200 chips and then gets raised to 5500. Its 2300 more for him to call to win a 11,000 chip pot. Thats 5 to 1 odds if Im not mistaken. Anyone that would fold any two cards here is obviously cheating and soft playing. The guy showed his pocket 44 and the two laughed together. "I was like come on nobody else is upset here?"  The 2 seat immediately agreed with me that the two were talking and obviously something was up. Next the 10 seat was like "That  was definately soft play, I dont even soft play my girlfriend like that"
  The dealer was like okay  next hand... I was like "hold on just a second here WTF" You cant just let this go by. They went ahead and dealt the next hand and then conveniently there was a break. I was so steamed. I walked away and then came back to the table to talk about it. Everyone was gone except the offender in the 7 seat and the dealer. I politely asked the man " You understand why I am upset right?" He said "No"  

The dealer then immediately chimed in and was like "You need to just calm down, you are all to worked up about this. You cant just go around smearing people's character without knowing whats going on"

Me: "This is not about anyones character and Im not trying to be mean to anybody. What he did was unfair to me and everyone else at the table. Something needs to be done about it"

Dealer: "It was 2300 more for him to call and he can do whatever he wants with his chips. You didnt even see what he had how can you tell him what to do" 

Me: *Laughing uncontrollably* "It matters not what two cards either of them had. What matters is they had a conversation down here and agreed to let the short stack keep his chips"

Seat 7(Offender): "I had 23 suited. I was trying to steal. You want me to call there with 23?"

Seat 5(Clueless noob): "He has exactly 0% chance to win if he calls with 23"

Me: "NOT THE POINT, he has 3200 of his own chips in the pot already. If he is willing to raise here he has to call the 2300 more. If not he is obviously dumping chips to his buddy"

Seat 2 and 10 have sauntered back over to agree with me that they are upset about it too. The dealer then blows my mind and says "You need to stop making assumptions and smearing other peoples character at the table" Then break is over she gets up and leaves and a new dealer is in the box. I have no recourse here so I just say Fuck it Ill play along like there are no problems. 
  4 hands later the blinds are at 1500/3000 and I am the big blind. Seat 7 is down to about 18,000 now and puts in a 6500 chip bet. It folds around to me in the BB. I look down at A10 hearts. I ship my 12,000 chips allin. Instantly he calls and turns over A7 offsuit.
  Anyone see a problem here? I smile and say "Thank you for proving my point."  Seats 2 and 10 laugh and totally get my point which made me feel pretty good. Obbviously the board runs 4s 5c 7d 9h Js. Dude takes me out. I told everyone good luck and just walked away in complete disbelief. 
  First of all if you dont get the point. He obviously did the exact opposite thing to me that he did to his friend. Called me with a weak hand because I didnt have a lot of chips. Im not mad that he called in any way. Its just the karma that came down with the cards on the board cause obviously Im the asshole in the situation.
  I find it disgusting and ridiculous the way this poker room is run. There are 3 or 4 good dealers a couple of great counter people and a good floor man or so. The rest of it is unreal. If you dont know simple things you should not be allowed to deal a tournament. Also if you obviously have no idea what you are talking about you need to call the floor immediately. Next if a situation is unresolved you never leave the table with another dealer who has no idea what is going on. The previous issue in this room for me had a similar result where the dealer left the table so it turned into my word against a clueless new dealer and the floor man.
  I am a reasonable intelligent and polite poker player. I ask only to be treated with respect and politeness. These assholes love all these stupid old cocksuckers that come into their room and buyin to 2/4 limit games for $30 dollars and give them no tips. Poker is not about this. Everyone needs to be treated fairly. I dont want special treatment cause I play 10hr sessions and tip generously. People need to get their priorities straight. Im not gonna go back for another 6-12 months. I emplore any and all of you who read this to please find another place to play poker. If you are an old asshole then go in there and have a circle jerk with your 25 other moron buddies. Thanks you  for reading and I hope this has been entertaining. Im gonna go play at The Venetian now and take down a Deepstack event.

        

I survived 4 full days of drinking only juice. Yesterday I ate a pineapple, a cantaloupe and a big romain salad with no dressing. I had hoped this juice fast would be profound or cleansing. Really it was just a test of human will power. Any of you that know me have seen my will power and when I put my mind to something that matters it is done. Now you are all saying well 5 days is not 10 days and you gave up.
  I quit because the fast was boring and didnt do much for me. I wanted mental or spiritual gains. Mostly it just tested my will to continue drinking liquids that just didnt resonate. I tried many combinations. Most always some fruit based 32oz of juice for breakfast then about 3pm i would drink another 32oz of juice usully mostly greens cause everything just tasted too sweet for me in the afternoon. Then I wouldnt be hungry/thirsty till about 8pm and then I could only stomach about 12-15oz of green juice. By my calculations this is not a whole lot of calories. So I did learn that a body really has no need for the 1500-2500 calories that come with a standard american diet. Id be lying if I did say I sorta already knew this though. Was nice to actually experience surviving on about 700-850 calories though.
  My body felt a definite detox on the first 2 days. I urinated about 35 times throughout the two days and never had a bowel movement. I experienced a total of 3-5 hours of slight head ache both days. During the sleep hours of both days I had vivid dreams and really thought this was going to be a continuing benefit of the fast. Turns out the dreams were a detox symptom and they didnt stick around the next 2 days. This was disappointing cause I feel like a lot can be discovered in your dreams. Joe Rogan talks about DMT a psychedelic drug that is created by your brain and basically causes your dreams. There are ways to ingest this as an actual drug though but the natural form was good enough for my situation haha.
  I had hoped to feel a clearness of mind or an ease in slipping into meditation. Neither of these came to fruitition. I did realize that my mind is already quite calm and functions really smooth and clean. The over the top gains I was hoping to begin getting glimpses of  never came. I really like being inside my head but the whole juicing thing was kinda like quiting smoking really. Making your mind control the urges to eat rather than allowing your addiction make the decisions. Im inside my head alot and find it pretty easy to let my mind make the logical decisions so this was only a small hurdle. I liked to control this situation but late on day 2 I basically realized mentally I could juice fast for the rest of my life. Physically though the flavors of the juice were not enjoyable. Tthey satisfied my nourishment but did not resonate with me.
  It was time to move on. Eating food again was great though. The chewing part was something I didnt realize that I missed. Also the flavors are amazing when dancing in your mouth. So much better than a liquid, so weird how different it is with the fiber part there to chew. Sticking mostly to fruits, vegies and greens but Ill probably mix in a little meat hear and there down the road. I think a diet balanced with a bit of everything is what resonates with me most. About 50% greens, 20% fruit, 20% vegetables, 10% meats. One thing I still wont have again is milk. I get a bit of dairy in cheese here and there but I havent drank milk for 5 years.
  Anyway. This was fun but mostly a waste of time. Not sure what the next bit of life is for me. Ive found a resonance with some design ideas. Gonna be doing some design projects from this Book/Blog I discovered. Think it will be a nice inspiration and maybe bring a new angle to my business. Thanks for reading and every one please remember:

        

I survived Day 1 of my juice feast. Started of wild though. I woke up to sirens and 3 gun shots. This is not normal in my nice apartment complex. Across the complex there was some sort of domestice violence. The cop wouldnt say more but they were in the complex for about 6 hours. 
   That was an unusual morning. Turns out it wasn't difficult to survive the day at all. Throughout the whole day I didnt really crave food at all. The juices kept me full. Towards the afternoon I did develop a slight headache. I came to the conclusion that the headache was from the rind of a cantaloupe. No more rinds for me.  The majority of my juice for the day was apple/pear. I found these to taste really good but by the end of the day the juices seemed a bit overly sweet. Today Im craving a more savory juice. I think i will go with something like cucumber/tomato/celery/kale.
  The most enjoyable part of Day 1 was that I felt relaxed and ready to sleep about 1.5 hrs earlier than usual. Fell right asleep and had vivid dreams most of the night. I dont often remember my dreams or find them so vivid. I think I may be able to get some lucid dreaming. This will be interesting as its something I have tried before but couldnt accomplish. I really enjoyed both the extra sleep and vivid dreams.
  Things are going well and a bit smoother than I expected. Im off to make another 2 liters of juice to get me through the afternoon. Thanks for reading.

        

My parents recently moved away from Las Vegas where they regularly cooked me dinner or took me out to eat. I decided I wanted to do a cleanse or a fast to get myself on a more healthy path. Just thinking of this I mentioned it on Friday with no real idea of what I was going to undertake. Saturday night @RawNatasha on twitter posted a link that she would be running a 10 day juice fast starting Feb 1st. Strange synchronicity. I was immediately intrigued. Here is the Link if you want to check it out and Im sure she will do another down the road.
  Hopefully this will be a transformational experience. Im looking for some mental and spiritual leaps as well as a step down a healthier eating path. 10 days of pure fruit/veggie/green juices. Definately a mental and physical challenge. I dont really know what will come of this but Im sure Ill post a few blogs explaining my experiences. I took a few pictures of my HAUL so to speak. Purchased all the produce for the first 4 days. About $75 worth. Thanks for reading and sharing any tips tricks or personal experiences would be great.

        

Many of you that follow me on Facebook or Twitter know that I recently went to LA to see another Kim DiVine show. This one was at Hotel Cafe on January 19th, 2010. I took some video footage while I was there. I posted one song on my Youtube and I just posted another video. This one was an edited production that includes Kim telling a nice little story about how she met one of her idols Patty Griffin. The video turned out great and I wanted to embed it here so you could all check it out. Thanks for checkin this out and please check my links as well as Kim's links at the end of the video.

        

Driving back from LA my ipod was on random and this old tune from Kim DiVine's 2004 CD Here and In Between. Ive always enjoyed some of her older tunes but I really sparked an idea in me back when I heard it first and again in the car on wednesday. Im going to list the lyrics and give you some of my thoughts.

Wasted time by Kim DiVine

Just brush your eyes dry and wait
The night will fade into morrow
It will be a better day
A different way and you will say okay
Ill be okay Yeah, Yeahy Yeah yeah

The song starts of simple and keeps a steady pace throughout. Just keeping you in its warm embrace. The begining gives you a taste of where we are headed. Today is not the only thing. Do not hold on so tight. Let today flow and embrace the next experience.

And I hear your tears crying in tune
I feel your fears pickin at you but without those pains to live
You wouldn’t, you wouldn’t be here
But I know you'd die inside if you had the choice
But instead you just, you just 

With the experiences and struggles you have you just cant see the beauty of life. The contrast is there to wake you up, to make you see. But instead we all ignore whats been shown so clear. Wish it all would end, want to run and hide.

You stare at the clock but it gives you nothing but wasted time
You search to find your meaning, but its nothing you’ll find
No in this moment it will pass
Let out the air and breathe again

The first chorus gives it to you straight. How often do you find yourself looking at a clock. Counting the minutes of your life. Looking for then next thing while grasping tightly to the pain of experiences you are in but wish would pass. Struggling to find that something with meaning to fill the emptiness. Its right there, that contrast Look away and breathe deep. The first of numerous times you are told to BREATHE throughout the song.

You know the dreams inside of you
And they’re bitin on your strength
Damn all the crap that creeps to misguide you
Cause you know its only you
Its only you that can save you
So stop lookin out and look in

The beatiful dreams, thoughts, and ideas within you. They contrast much of what you see in reality. Society and media misdirect your focus to believe the answer is in the next big thing. Really the answer is you. Right there inside your mind. Stop searching for meaning and create it.

You stare at the clock but it gives you nothing but wasted time
You search to find your meaning, but its nothing you’ll find
No in this moment it will pass
Let out the air and breathe again
Let out the air and breathe again

Its easy, just like the yoga masters tell you. Be in the moment. You cannot find what you are searching for. Be in the moment. Focus your breath. Feel it in and out. Know the answers are in you.

Whoa all you have to do is let out the air and breathe again
All you have to do is take it all in and breathe again
Breathe again but I know youd die inside if you had the choice

Stare at the clock but it gives you nothing but wasted time
Search to find your meaning, but its nothing you’ll find
No in this moment it will pass
Let out the air and breathe again
Let out the air and breathe again
Let out the air and breathe again
Just brush your eyes dry and wave
The night will fade into morrow
It will change.

The last bit of the song is so strong. Repeating  Breathe Again, Breathe Again. Take it all in, experience it but Breathe Again. Everything in the world will pass. Let it all flow through. In the end of the song we are back at the begining and we have found our different way. Breathe in, Breathe out and it will change.
  I haven't talked to Kim directly about the song but its from 2004 so I imagine it may be far from her mind by now. I just flowed my opinions here and gave what the song made me feel. I always wonder if I over analyze stuff but I think thats the point of music. One person chooses to put their ideas out there in song and you experience it, feel their intentions and draw your own feelings out of the moment. Thanks for reading.

Check out more of Kim's music and information at www.KimDiVine.com 
Or some of her videos at her Youtube
You can sample the song Wasted Time and also purchase it at CDbaby.com or Itunes